Skulduggery Pleasant Spoof: Protect Who?
by ValkyrieCain4Ever
Summary: Please don't kill/maim me for this story. Dusk, Scapegrace, Thrasher and Sanguine have been employed to protect someone. But they don't have the best relationship with this person and when they are forced to live together, bad things happen.
1. Chapter 1

Dusk sat in the chair at the secret hide-out, he was meeting some people who were looking to recruit him for something. He wouldn't have come but the pay was so good even he couldn't resist. The door opened and he knew bad things were going to happen.

Billy-Ray Sanguine walked into the meeting room and swore, "Really? _You're _here?"

Dusk sighed, "Hello Sanguine."

"So you're roped into this too?"

"Yep."

The Texan hit-man deluxe sat down in the chair next to the vampire and crossed his arms.

They both looked over at the door as it burst open and two men came in.

"Shut up Thrasher, you're only here because I don't trust you alone with the van and I'm afraid you'll do something stupid." Vaurian Scapegrace, the Zombie King, the Killer Supreme said angrily as he barged into the room.

Thrasher opened his mouth to reply but stayed silent as the two zombies realized who they shared a room with.

Then Scapegrace puffed out his chest, a defiant look coming into his eyes. "If it isn't Sanguine and Du-"

Dusk hissed and Sanguine flicked open his straight razor, making Scapegrace yelp and held out his arms to shield himself. Thrasher cowered behind Scapegrace.

After a few moments and the ones sitting didn't make a move to hurt them, they calmed down and sat far away from them.

They had gotten settled just as the door opened again and three people entered, two women and a man. The veiled woman started the meeting. "I will keep this quick and simple," Madame Mist said calmly. "I know of your past with the person this case involves and this time you will not be trying to kill them, but protect them."

Sanguine frowned, Scapegrace looked confused, Thrasher looked lost and Dusk didn't respond.

"This is a matter concerning the Supreme Council and the fact they have sent an assassin to kill this person," Mist continued. "But we still need this person alive so we have enlisted your help to make sure they don't succeed in their plan."

"Okay," Sanguine said. "I get what you want us to do, I know Dusk does too, and I'll make sure the idiot and the wimp understand, but who exactly is the person we have to protect?"

Valkyrie Cain woke up in her bed and stretched, her jaws opening wide in a satisfying yawn. She lay in bed for a few more minutes then got up and padded to the bathroom.

Twenty-minutes later, she was dressed in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt and going downstairs to have some breakfast. 'Or brunch,' she thought as she saw the time on a wall clock.

Valkyrie reached the kitchen and walked in, too lost in thought to notice the four men sitting at her kitchen table. She made a bee-line to the fridge and opened it. "Damn lazy cows," she grumbled when she noticed they were out of milk. She sighed and looked at the rest of the fridge to see it barren of any food life.

She shut the fridge and opened the cabinets one by one only to become slightly frantic as she came up empty at every place food would hide. They were even out of bread. Valkyrie sighed; her parents were going to the Villa in France, leaving her with her baby sister, Alice, for at least a month. Of course they didn't trust her alone so they sent her to her Aunt and Uncle's but she _really _didn't like them so she sent her reflection instead.

Finally, after every single place that food resided in was checked, she was about to admit defeat. Then she saw the freezer.

Desperate, Valkyrie opened the freezer and stared. A single container of ice cream sat in the middle of the otherwise empty space. After a few moments she reached in and grabbed it.

She stood for a few moments, vaguely wondering how long it had been there. But her hungry belly brought her back to the present so she opened the top and took a tentative sniff of the vanilla ice cream. It smelled normal, she licked it. It tasted normal.

Valkyrie shrugged and went to grab a bowl and spoon. Once that was out, she took out an ice cream scoop and attempted to scoop out her breakfast but it was like trying to scoop concrete. Determined not to starve, the young sorceress tipped the ice cream over the bowl and began to hit the bottom of the container with the scoop until a solid block of ice cream fell into the bowl. Valkyrie grinned and went to get a bite out of the treat but the spoon got stuck. After a few tugs the block came up with the spoon and she examined it for a few moments then licked it and turned.

And let out a muffled yelp, tongue still on her breakfast.

"Hello Lil' Darlin," Billy-Ray Sanguine said in greeting. "Now before you scream or call your friends or punch us in the face let me just say, we come in peace."


	2. Chapter 2

She stared.

"Now I know this may sound weird," Sanguine continued. "But we are not here to hurt, maim, kidnap-"

"You forgot kill," Scapegrace interrupted.

"I was getting to that," Sanguine snapped then looked back at Valkyrie. "Or kill you. We are here to do the opposite actually."

"And what would that be?" Valkyrie asked slowly.

"We're here to protect you from an assassin!" Thrasher said cheerfully.

"WHAT!?"

Dusk glared, "We were supposed to tell her that later."

"Oops."

Valkyrie stared then sighed, pulling up chair and pulling her ice creamcicle on the table. "Who sent it this time?"

"Supreme Council."

Valkyrie groaned and smacked her head into the table, repeatedly. After a few minutes she spoke again, "At least this time it won't be a surprise. And I have a Vampire, a psychotic hit-man, a wimpy zombie and his sidekick. All who have records of trying to kill me, to protect me." Her voice was muffled by the table.

She lifted her head, "Okay, whatever, just a couple rules." She stood up. "One, you are not allowed in my room, under any circumstances, unless I am being murdered in my sleep. Two, when I want to be alone. _Leave me alone._ Three, my baby sister is here and if any of you hurt her I will personally see to it that you are put to death. And four, you are not allowed to kill me. Got it? Good. Now I need to finish my breakfast." She looked down and realized it had melted. "Oh."

She poked the goop then licked her finger. "I guess we're going to starve."

"No, we're not going to starve," Sanguine said. "One of use can drive to the store and get stuff."

"Okay."

They sat in silence, no one wanting to go.

Finally Valkyrie spoke, "Look, I refuse to leave any of you alone in this house, especially with Alice. So it's going to one of you four."

The others looked at each other.

"Not it," Sanguine said.

"Not it," Dusk said.

"Not it," Thrasher said.

"Not it," Scapegrace said.

Everyone looked at him.

Scapegrace shook his head, "No. No, I won't do it."

"You said 'Not it,' last," Valkyrie replied.

"Well I don't want to."

"You are."

"No I'm not," Scapegrace folded his arms and looked away.

"Yes, you are," Valkyrie was getting aggravated.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"SCAPEGRACE YOU ARE GOING AND THAT'S FINAL!" Sanguine had gotten sick of the arguing and he was starving.

Scapegrace whimpered and recoiled. Valkyrie grinned smugly. "I'll make you a list."

She ran off then came back with a piece of paper, which she promptly stapled to his shirt.

"What was that for?" Scapegrace cried, examining his shirt.

"I know you'll lose it as soon as you step out the door, maybe even before that so this way you can't lose it."

"Get McDonald's food too," Sanguine agreed. "I'm hungry.:"

Valkyrie nodded. "I want a strawberry milkshake."

"I'll have a burger," Sanguine added.

"I want what Valkyrie's having!" Thrasher said.

"Dusk, you want anything?" Sanguine asked.

"Chocolate shake," was his answer.

"Get the vampire his treat so he doesn't feast on our necks!" Sanguine had a big grin on his face.

Dusk glared.

Scapegrace sighed and left, getting into the Penguin Mobile and driving off.

Once he was gone Valkyrie broke the silence. "Who wants to watch TV?"

"Me!" Thrasher and Sanguine said.

Dusk shrugged and they walked into the living room, Valkyrie turned on the TV and began flicking through the channels.

When Scapegrace came back he walked into a debate of if they were going to watch 'The Simpsons' or 'When Vacations Attack.'

"Simpsons," Valkyrie said.

"Vacations," Sanguine countered.

"Simpsons."

"Vacations."

"Simpsons."

"Vacations."

"Guys, I'm back."

Everyone looked over, Valkyrie ran over. "Gimme," she grabbed her shake then ran back to the arm chair she had been sitting in.

Sanguine snatched the bag and the other shakes then jumped onto the couch next to Dusk, handing him the chocolate shake.

Thrasher took his own drink and Sanguine opened the bag and grabbed his sandwich.

Immediately they went back to arguing.

"Simpsons."

"Vacation."

"Simpsons."

"Vacation."

Scapegrace sighed, 'I hope this assassin shows up soon. Then we can all go home and back to hating each other.'


	3. Chapter 3

They had finally decided on the movie 'Dark Shadows' starring Johnny Depp. It was kind of funny, having Dusk, an actual vampire, watching a movie about a stereotypical vampire.

When the movie was over, Valkyrie looked over at Dusk a grin on her face. "What did you think of the movie Dusk?"

"Completely inaccurate."

"Yeah," Sanguine agreed. "Real vampires aren't that good looking."

"I resent that."

His grin widened and Dusk glared.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and grabbed another movie. "Hey, who wants to watch 'Night at the Museum'?"

They continued to watch movies until it was dinner time.

"What do you have?" Sanguine asked.

"The stuff Scapegrace brought back," Valkyrie responded.

"What'd he bring back?"

"I hope what was on the list. Scapegrace, did you get the stuff I wrote down?"

Scapegrace looked up and scowled. "Yes, I'm not stupid."

"Yes you are," Dusk said.

"Not everyone thinks that."

"Yes we do," Valkyrie said.

He sagged.

"Go make dinner," Valkyrie waved her hand. "We're hungry."

"Yeah," Sanguine said. "Some of us still need to eat."

"Oh that reminds me," Valkyrie jumped up and left the room but came back a few minutes later with a baby. She sat down again, cradling Alice and feeding her with a bottle. "I have to feed Alice too."

"That's Alice?" Scapegrace asked.

"Yep."

"Can I hold her?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid you might drop her and you need to make lunch."

"I won't drop her."

"I think you will."

"Well I won't."

"Yes you will. Now go make lunch."

"I don't know where everything is."

Valkyrie sighed and stood up. She gave Alice to Sanguine and put the bottle down then stormed off to the kitchen, Scapegrace following. Sanguine looked at Alice, confused. "Uh what do I do with her?"

Dusk shrugged, "Feed her?"

"How?"

"With the bottle."

Sanguine looked at the bottle then reached over and grabbed it with one hand. He paused then tried to give Alice the bottle but she didn't want it. "Why won't you eat?"

"Maybe she doesn't like you."

"That can't be it."

"Probably is."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Prove it."

"Fine," Dusk got up and walked over and took Alice from Sanguine then gave her the bottle. Alice began to eat happily, not complaining or fussing.

Sanguine stared, "Okay, she must have gotten hungry just now. Give me her."

He took the baby away once again and she began to cry. Dusk took her back and she calmed down.

Sanguine crossed his arms, "Something must be wrong with that kid."

"I don't think there is."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't like you."

Sanguine glared. Valkyrie walked in and frowned. "I thought I gave Alice to Sanguine."

"You did," Dusk said. "She doesn't like him."

"Oh, that explains it."

Just then there was a loud boom from the kitchen. Valkyrie shrieked and ran off.

She came back a few minutes later and explained, "I left Scapegrace alone with the microwave."

They nodded and Scapegrace staggered into the room. "Bad news," he said. "We don't have dinner."

Everything went quiet.

Then Valkyrie walked away and came back with a pamphlet and a phone. "We can order Chinese food."

"Okay."

"Sure."

"I'll eat that."

Thrasher too the pamphlet and looked at it. "What is this?" he asked.

"The menu."

"Oh."

Soon their food was ordered and had arrived. They sat around in the living room watching TV, eating and relaxing until it was time to go to bed.

Valkyrie yawned, "I'm going to bed." She stood up and went to leave the room but Scapegrace called out. "Where do we sleep?"

She shrugged, "Anywhere but my room." She carried Alice upstairs to her room and got ready for bed, made sure the window was locked then curled up in bed and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, her guests were trying to figure out where they were going to sleep.

"I call her parents bed!" Sanguine ran off.

"I'll take the couch," Dusk sprawled on the couch and closed his eyes.

"Where do I sleep then?" Scapegrace asked.

"And me?" Thrasher added.

Dusk shrugged, "Don't know don't care."

Scapegrace sighed and went wandering. He looked all over downstairs but didn't find anywhere.

He went upstairs and looked around, Valkyrie's room was at the end of the hall, and he ignored that. He went by the master bedroom and saw Sanguine only in his boxers sprawled out on the bed. Scapegrace continued down the hall till he got to the last door and opened it. Alice's room.

The baby was probably sleeping with Valkyrie. He thought for a few minutes then sighed.

Later that night Dusk was woken up by noises upstairs. He frowned and sat up.

Then Valkyrie's voice.

"GO AWAY!" There was a loud slam then quiet.

Dusk listened for a few more moments and when no more sounds were laid back down.

Then more noises.

He heard swearing then someone running down the stairs. A door opened. Silence. Door slam. More running up the stairs. Silence.

Dusk got up and went up the stairs. Valkyrie was about to enter her room.

"What was going on?"

Valkyrie shrieked and turned around, fists raised. When she saw it was him she relaxed. "Everything's fine, just taking care of something."

"What?"

"Just something I have to do every night," Valkyrie shrugged. "Plus I'm used to Skulduggery waking me up at all hours to punch someone. I'm not complaining."

Dusk nodded and she went into her room. He went back to the couch and fell asleep.

**REVIEW! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning Dusk woke up to someone saying his name.

"Dusk, Dusk."

Dusk opened his eyes and looked at Valkyrie, "What?"

"You've got to see this."

Curious, he followed Valkyrie up the stairs and down the hall to a door. She opened it and they stared.

Scapegrace had somehow crammed himself into a crib. His knees were tucked up to his chest and his head was resting on his arm.

Valkyrie began taking a quick session of pictures with her phone. Dusk followed. After the pictures were taken they headed back down but were stopped halfway down by a scream.

They turned to see Sanguine in nothing but his blue boxers run to the top of the steps and stop.

"HE… HE WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME!"

"Who was?" Valkyrie asked.

Thrasher appeared next to Sanguine.

"HIM!" Sanguine pointed at Thrasher.

"Why would you sleep next to Sanguine?" Valkyrie asked slowly.

"I had nowhere else to go," Thrasher answered simply.

"NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!?" Sanguine yelled. "YOU COULD HAVE SLEPT ON THE FLOOR, IN THE TUB, ON THE _ROOF!"_ He shivered, "Where's the bathroom? I need to shower."

He showered for two hours and ended up burning his boxers. When he came out in his normal he was surprised to hear noises coming from Alice's room. Sanguine cocked his head and walked into the room.

The scene was amusing and very, _very _confusing.

Scapegrace was crammed into a baby crib, knees drawn up and looking at Dusk, who was standing next to it arms crossed over his chest and staring at the zombie. Thrasher stood on the other side of the crib and Valkyrie was standing off to the side holding Alice.

"What's going on?" Sanguine asked after a moment of silence.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Scapegrace is stuck in Alice's crib," Valkyrie said.

Sanguine frowned and walked over to look at Scapegrace closer, "How did you even get in there?"

"I don't know," Scapegrace snapped. "Now get me out of here."

"We're working on it," Dusk said. "I think we're going to have to take it apart."

"What!" Valkyrie groaned. "It took _days _to get that crib set up."

"Why days?"

"My dad isn't the best at putting stuff together."

Dusk nodded then said, "Where are your dad's tools?"

"Somewhere, I have to go find them."

Valkyrie walked off; put Alice in her bed with lots of pillows and stuff piled around her to make sure she doesn't fall, than began searching for her dad's tools.

After twenty minutes she found them. "I GOT THEM!" She called and came back into the room. Dusk took the tool box and looked through it until he found a screwdriver which he immediately began to use to unscrew one of the screws.

"Where'd you find them?" Sanguine asked as they watched Dusk work.

"Under the couch."

Sanguine frowned, "Why would they be there?"

"I don't know my dad's weird. One time I found the dictionary in the bathtub."

"Why would the dictionary be in the bathtub?"

"He did start using big words that night. Maybe he was trying to learn some in the bath."

"Possible."

"Hey, could someone actually be useful and hand me the bit that looks like a plus sign," Dusk called from under the crib.

"Sorry," Valkyrie grabbed the bit and gave to him.

Within a few minutes the crib had been completely dismantled and Scapegrace was free.

"Master!" Thrasher said happily.

"Don't hug me," Scapegrace growled when Thrasher went to hug him.

Thrasher backed away a little.

Valkyrie went to speak but was stopped when the door broke down and Skulduggery Pleasant appeared in the doorway.

**What's Skulduggery going to say now? REVIEW PLEASE! :)**


	5. Chapter 5

"SKULDUGGERY PLEASANT YOU ARE BUYING ME A NEW DOOR!" Valkyrie Cain yelled, arms crossed and eyes blazing.

She was ignored and Skulduggery moved to stand protectively in front of her, gun held and gaze not leaving the 'enemies.'

"Skulduggery they aren't-" she tried.

"You aren't getting Valkyrie," Skulduggery said coldly, interrupting her.

Valkyrie glared and went to speak again but he interrupted her, again.

"What do you want with her now? Revenge I don't think so."

"Skulduggery…." Valkyrie's tone was annoyed and angry.

"Need her for something" Well you aren't-"

"SKULDUGGERY IF YOU PUT A BULLET IN THEIR SKULLS I WILL PUT ONE IN YOUR'S!"

Skulduggery turned, shocked.

Valkyrie glared, arms crossed over her chest and looking ticked off. "They aren't here to hurt, maim, kidnap-"

"Or kill!" Scapegrace piped up from where he had taken refuge behind Dusk, Thrasher behind him.

Valkyrie turned her glare to him. "Or kill me," her gaze switched back to Skulduggery. "Put the gun away."

"No, I will not."

"Put the gun away."

"No."

"Yes."

"No. Not until I figure out what is going on and why _they," _Skulduggery gestured at the four men with his gun, "Are here and not trying to harm you."

She sighed "Fine, but it'll sound crazy."

"Valkyrie I have heard very strange things in my life-time I don't think this will be much."

"They're protecting me from an assassin sent by the Supreme Council to kill me."

Skulduggery went quiet, "Okay, that is weird."

"Exactly, I knew you wouldn't believe me."

"I didn't say anything about not believing you. I just said it sounded odd."

"Still it was implied."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Will you put the gun down now?"

"Maybe if you say 'please.'"

"Will you _please _put it down?"

"Put what down?"

"The _gun! _Do you really have that short of an attention span?"

"I didn't at first, but being tortured for eleven months by Dark Gods in another dimension made me slightly unhinged."

"Oh definitely, you hadn't even been out of that dimension for two hours and you had already threatened to shoot the Grand Mage."

"It was _Guild _though, he may have been a mage but he wasn't _grand _in anyway."

"Would you shut up already?"

"Of course not, my voice is too amazing not to be heard."

"Will you both stop arguing so we can explain?" Sanguine interrupted, seeing that if someone didn't step in this would go on for hours.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at him.

Valkyrie nodded, "Right. Skulduggery, like I had said, they are protecting me from an assassin sent by the Supreme Council."

"Why would they kill you?"

"I've been thinking about that. Remember how before you said that if they took over we would probably be the first to be killed. I think they are aiming at me first, since I am easier to kill and also to get to you."

Skulduggery nodded, "I can see what you are getting at. Now the question is, who sent _them."_

They looked at her 'bodyguards' skeptically.

"Who _did _hire you?" Valkyrie asked.

"Madame Mist."

Skulduggery cocked his head, "Madame Mist? I didn't think she would like us enough to protect us."

"Yeah, I always thought she hated us."

"Maybe the council had decided together in a meeting and Mist was the one to give the briefing."

"Most likely, we'll have to thank them."

"Yes, yes we will. Now come along my combat accessory, we have bad guys to punch and spiky-haired boys to prank."

"Okay, at least let me get dressed." She looked down at her purple nightshirt and blue pants with giraffes on them." Valkyrie ran out of the room to get changed.

"Good idea," he turned to Dusk, Sanguine and the zombies who were still hiding behind the Vampire. "Now would you like to join us on our little adventure or stay in Valkyrie's house and mooch off her food?"

"We'll go," Dusk said. "We aren't being paid to just sit around and do nothing."

"Well that's pretty much what Scapegrace and Thrasher are doing," Sanguine said.

"True."

Valkyrie came back in her normal black clothes, an exact replica dressed in her pajamas stood next to her.

"Ready?" Valkyrie asked.

"Yep!" Skulduggery said cheerfully as they walked out if the room.

"But you're still paying for a new door."

"Dang it."


	6. Chapter 6

They left the house through the front door, Reflection staying behind, and walked over to the Bentley. Valkyrie got in the front and Skulduggery went to the driver's seat like always.

Dusk and Sanguine went into the back but there was only room for three people in the back. Scapegrace and Thrasher looked at each other.

"I get the seat!" Scapegrace said jumping in next to Sanguine.

"Where do I sit then?" Thrasher asked.

"Oh don't worry," Skulduggery said. "I have a solution for everything."

Five minutes later they were leaving Haggard. Scapegrace looked around the Bentley. "It's nice to finally be in here without being handcuffed," he said. "Or gagged."

"You will be if you don't shut up," Valkyrie remarked.

Scapegrace went quiet.

Valkyrie's eyes wandered from out the window at the trees and cars that were blurring by to the radio. "I'm turning the radio on."

She pressed the button and music blared out of the speakers.

Skulduggery changed the station to classical. "I hate rock."

Valkyrie changed it back, "I hate classical."

Skulduggery changed it back and Valkyrie immediately changed it again.

Skulduggery turned it back to his.

She switched it to hers.

This resulted in a struggle of what to listen to, both pressing the button back and forth, back and forth.

"Stop it," Skulduggery said, straining to fight with his partner over the radio and not run into one of the semis that were on the road.

"No!" Valkyrie changed the station back and he turned it to his.

A never ending power struggle.

Finally Valkyrie got sick of the constant changing so when Skulduggery went to change it back she smacked his hand.

He paused then went to change it again and was once again smacked away.

Skulduggery looked at her, "Oh it's on."

He smacked her hand when she went to slap his hand again. She glared.

She smacked his hand back, he smacked hers. They were now in a slap-hand fight, the car beginning to swerve slightly but somehow Skulduggery managed to not lose control of the car.

Finally they stopped the Bentley at an old warehouse, Valkyrie and Skulduggery glaring murderously at each other. They got out, Scapegrace was trembling slightly.

But as soon as they were out of the Bentley, they got down to business.

"What's the case?" Valkyrie asked as they looked at the warehouse.

"A man named Thaddeus Sledge is planning to take over the world," Skulduggery answered simply. "A nice change from trying to destroy the world."

"Yes it is, how does he plan to take over the world?"

"By creating a horde of Vampires and planning to unleash them on the world once it is big enough."

"Well, that is a pretty stupid plan."

"Yes it is."

"What's the plan? And don't say 'Let's get up close and see what happens.'"

"Infiltrate, locate and punch."

"Got it."

They began to walk into the alley next to the warehouse and Skulduggery turned. "Dusk, you might want to stay in the car."

"Agreed."

"Here, I'll leave you the keys to listen to the radio. Or you can play with them. But don't break them. Now Sanguine, Scapegrace you can come."

"What about Thrasher?" Valkyrie asked.

"I think he's enjoying the trunk so let's leave him alone."

"Okay."

The four walked into the alley and over to a back door. Skulduggery snapped the lock and they crept in, shutting the door behind them.

The warehouse was big, with high ceilings, large crates stacked off to the side and dozens of Infected wandering around.

They hunched behind some of the crates and looked at their enemy.

Suddenly a man appeared at a window high up on the far wall. He had dark, slightly grey hair and green eyes. His suit was like his hair and he was tall, but not ultra-tall and had a muscular build.

"Soon," he said with a smile. "Soon."

"Man, that guy is weird," Sanguine said.

Skulduggery and Valkyrie shushed him.

"Alright," Skulduggery said getting back to business. "Infiltrate and locate complete, now all that's left is to punch."

"Got it," Valkyrie said. "But how are we going to get past all those Infected?"

"And that, my dear combat accessory, is the flaw in my brilliant plan. Now before you lose faith in plans remember, there is always a flaw in every plan. We have just found the flaw in mine."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes, "Well what do we do then?"

"Looks like we'll have to fight our way through."

"Okay," she turned to Scapegrace and Sanguine. "Ready?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Too bad," Valkyrie said to Scapegrace and made a fireball.

"Go!" Skulduggery said and they attacked.

Well Sanguine, Valkyrie and Skulduggery did. Scapegrace ran screaming back to the Bentley.

Valkyrie ignored him and focused on setting the Infected in front of her on fire. The Infected screamed and stumbled away, batting at the flames.

Another one came at her and the shadows slammed into it, knocking it backwards. Someone grabbed her from behind and lifted her up in the air. She lashed out a fist and felt it connect with a chin.

After another few minutes of fighting they had finally made it underneath the window Sledge had appeared in. Skulduggery grabbed her arm and they shot into the air, Valkyrie used the shadows to smash the glass and they landed inside the small room.

It appeared to be an office, with a desk and chair but was otherwise empty; except for the man standing at the other side of the room. "Ah, Detectives," Sledge said coolly. "How nice of you to drop in."

"Surrender Sledge," Skulduggery said. "You're going to be defeated anyway do you may as well give it up."

Sledge laughed, "I won't be going down soon, Mr. Pleasant. You'll have to fight me."

"Okay, just to let you know. This is nothing personal, purely business."

Sledge grinned and lunged.

Just the way he moved told Valkyrie exactly what he was. 'No wonder Dusk stayed in the car,' she thought to herself as the Vampire swung a punch that Skulduggery dodged and returned.

Valkyrie clicked her fingers, summoning a flame. She threw it and it caught Sledge's back on fire. He howled and wheeled at her faster than her eyes could follow. The next thing she knew the world was spinning and there was blinding pain in her side then nothing.

**Yes I know this chapter wasn't pure humor but I wanted to have some fighting in this one. Also, my laptop is giving me some problems and the Internet isn't working as well for me as it should but I am still able to get to Fanfiction and I hope my computer sorts itself out soon. Please REVIEW!**


	7. Chapter 7

Skulduggery snarled in anger when he saw Valkyrie go down. He lunged, grabbing Sledge's head in his hands and slammed it into the ground until he stopped moving. Once he was unconscious, Skulduggery handcuffed the man to a pipe sticking out of the wall then knelt by Valkyrie.

Blood was pooling onto the ground from a knife wound in her side, her eyes were closed and she was becoming pale. Wasting no time he scooped her up and jumped out the window, flying and locating Sanguine easily.

"SANGUINE!" He yelled.

Sanguine looked up after punching an Infected man in the jaw. He was about to say something when he saw Valkyrie and went quiet.

"MEET ME AT THE BENTLEY!"

Sanguine nodded and disappeared into the ground. Skulduggery shot through a sky light then landed next to the Bentley yelling "START THE CAR!"

A second later the Bentley was awake. Sanguine grabbed Valkyrie and jumped into the back, Skulduggery behind the wheel and they jerked away from the curb, shooting towards the Sanctuary.

After the others had gone into the warehouse to take care of Sledge, Dusk had sat back in his seat and relaxed. A minute later Scapegrace had come screaming out of the warehouse.

Once the zombie was inside and sitting, Dusk had to slap him to get him to stuck panicking, "What's going on? Why are you panicking?" He asked.

Scapegrace took a few deep breaths, "Infected, lots and lots of Infected."

"No duh, of course there are going to be Infected, people aren't born Vampires."

"It scared me."

"Obviously."

After a few minutes Scapegrace picked up the keys Skulduggery had given Dusk and began playing with them.

"Hey, you aren't supposed to have those," Dusk said.

"Says who?"

"Skulduggery, he told me to have them. He didn't say anything about stupid zombies, now give me them."

He went to take them but Scapegrace shielded the keys with his body, "No. You weren't using them."

Dusk grabbed the keys but wouldn't let go. They began to play tug-of-war until it snapped.

"Oh," Scapegrace said, staring at the key in his hand.

"START THE CAR!" Skulduggery's yelling snapped them out of the silence and Dusk leaned forward and started the Bentley.

A second later, the doors opened and Sanguine jumped in, holding a bloody Valkyrie. Skulduggery slammed his foot on the accelerator and Dusk felt himself get pressed back in his seat.

"What happened?!" He yelled over the engine.

"I don't know!" Sanguine yelled back.

Valkyrie's eyes were closed, dark hair sprawled over her face and she looked pale. She was laying on Sanguine and Scapegrace's laps, her head hanging slightly off the seat. She looked almost dead.

Finally they arrived at the Sanctuary, breaking nearly every traffic law in existence. Sanguine carried Valkyrie into the building, Skulduggery leading the way. People yelped and had to dive out of the way to avoid being run over. They got to the Medical ward, "DR. NYE!" Skulduggery yelled and the creature ducked out into the corridor.

"What do you want?" It rasped. "I just managed to get Ravel into the examination room for his check-up now what do you wa-"

It's eyes widened when it sat Valkyrie and it gestured quickly to follow it. Skulduggery hurried after Nye while Sanguine, Dusk and Scapegrace were left in the hallway. Dusk leaned against the wall arms crossed, knowing the only thing they could do was wait.

Sanguine had begun complaining about all the blood on his shirt from holding Valkyrie while Scapegrace began to have a panic attack.

"What do we do? What do we do? Valkyrie didn't look good, she might be dead. If she is, what do we do?" Scapegrace was pacing back and forth and hyperventilating.

Dusk walked over and slapped him, "Shut up."

Scapegrace whimpered and they once again lapsed into silence. A few seconds later a girl with blue hair skipped out of the Medical ward and over to them.

"Hi! Are you the Vampire, Zombie and Psycho that Valkyrie came in with?" She asked breezily.

Without waiting for an answer she continued.

"Dr. Nye wanted me to tell you that Valkyrie will be okay and you can come see her. But not to go in the back room, it's doing some experiments and doesn't want to be disturbed."

Before any of them could ask questions or say anything she walked back into the Medical Ward but walked into the wall. She smiled and patted the wall then walked through the door, bashing her head on the door frame on her way.

The men looked at each other and shrugged then walked into the room and made their way to where Valkyrie was sitting up in a hospital bed looking ticked off.

"Liar!" She said and threw a pillow at the TV set up in front of her. "Stupid person! You never go into the room the chain-saw maniac is in! It's just common sense!"

"What are you mad at?" Sanguine asked.

"The stupid people," she pointed at the screen. "They're stupid."

"Why are they stupid?"

"Because they walked right into the room the psycho chainsaw killer is in."

"Oh."

"How are you feeling?" Scapegrace asked.

She shrugged, "Okay, I can leave in a couple hours when the stitches are gone and it's not going to scar."

"What happened?" Dusk asked.

She scowled, "Sledge knifed me in the side. Skulduggery's going to get him and bring him in, I want to punch him."

Before they could continue their conversation they heard an extremely perky "VAL!" Then Tanith Low did a cannonball dive-bomb into the bed making Valkyrie yelp in shock.

"Move over! My show's starting!" Tanith pushed Valkyrie over and threw the covers over herself then wrestled the remote from Valkyrie and changed the channel.

"Tanith? What are you doing here?" Valkyrie asked.

"I broke my hand and got it fixed," Tanith held up her left hand and flexed it.

"How'd you break it?"

"I found one of those huge tractor tires so I took it up on that really big hill, you know, the one above the free-way and I crawled inside then rolled down the hill but something went wrong and I landed in a thorn bush then I rolled off that and landed on a rock and a tree branch fell and landed on my hand and I screamed for like ten minutes because it really hurt then I hailed a taxi that was on the free-way but it wasn't your typical cab it was big and red and I found out it had a really loud horn when I ran out in front of it then I got a ride to a place with a half-apart building and when I was saying goodbye to the cab driver I walked onto this metal pipe and was lifted up on top of an elevator that took me up to the top floor of the building and I fell off it but I survived because I landed on top of a building and the building turned out to be the Sanctuary but I didn't feel like jumping off the roof so I slid down the ventilation shaft into the Medical Ward but I didn't land in the Medical Ward I landed on Ravels desk and made him scream like a little girl so I walked out but then I got lost because of all the different turns and I ended up at the vending machine and I was hungry so I wanted something to eat out of there but I didn't have any money so I kicked it until it gave me a candy bar but it wasn't a candy bar it was a granola bar and I didn't want a granola bar so I kicked it until it fell over and the glass broke so I got a candy bar then I ran into Madame Mist who escorted me to the Medical Ward where the 'It' took care of me until my hand was healed and released me then I heard you had gotten hurt again so I wandered around until I found you."

"Tanith," Valkyrie said slowly. "Did you drink that drink Skulduggery told you not to drink?"

Tanith nodded a huge grin on her face, "Yeah!"

Valkyrie sighed and leaned back on the bed, "You're weird."

"I am."

Valkyrie turned back to Sanguine, Dusk and Scapegrace who were looking very confused.

"Tanith is hyper because she drank this drink that she isn't supposed to and now she is crazy."

Tanith suddenly burst out laughing and jumped out of the bed, she began to run around the room and up the walls, across the ceiling back to the floor. Walls, ceiling, floor. Walls, ceiling floor.

Over and over again.

Everyone else just watched her run around until Valkyrie was good enough to go home. Skulduggery came back into the room and nodded to them.

He glanced at Tanith and shook his head, "Tanith, I thought I told you not to have that drink."

"So?" Tanith giggled as she continued her infinite loop.

Skulduggery sighed then turned to Valkyrie who was once again dressed in her normal black clothes and sitting on the bed.

She looked at him, "Is Sledge in custody?"

"Yep, and don't worry, I gave him a present from you."

"Awesome, can I go now?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she held up her arms. "Carry me."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

Dusk sighed and, not wanting another argument, walked over and picked Valkyrie up.

She squealed and grabbed his shoulder then grinned and stuck her tongue out at Skulduggery.

Skulduggery grumbled something and led the way out to the Bentley, Tanith skipped along behind and jumped onto her motor bike that she had Ghastly get. Dusk dropped Valkyrie in her seat then went into the back and sat next to Sanguine.

"So what's next?" Sanguine asked as Skulduggery started the Bentley and pulled out from the curb.

"Woman was murdered in her house in Northeastern Dublin, we're headed there next."

Sanguine frowned, "Another case? I thought you had done your case for the day and were going home.

Valkyrie laughed, "If that was true I wouldn't spend over five nights a week at Skulduggery's and only have two hours sleep per night."

Skulduggery nodded, "Yep. Our job takes its toll but it's worth it to be able to punch someone in the face."

After a few minutes they arrived at a house and got out, Sanctuary agents dressed up like normal people were already getting ready to clean things up. Philomena Random and Geoffrey Scrutinous were making witness' think they hadn't seen what they actually had.

When they got into the house and to the crime scene, the forensics experts were taking pictures. The body laid in the middle of the floor, a fairly pretty woman with dark hair and pale skin. A pool of blood was formed around her and her eyes stared sightlessly ahead.

Dusk and Sanguine were unaffected by the crime scene but Scapegrace wasn't looking very good.

"Who was the victim?" Valkyrie asked as she observed the wall.

"Maria Heart, age 27 no husband boyfriend and immediate family have been notified, Elemental. No known enemies. She worked as an informant for the Sanctuary so we can start there. One of our agents found her dead when they came to get information from her."

"What was the information on?"

"Secret spies for the Supreme Council.

"Not good."

"No it isn't."

Valkyrie and Skulduggery began to slowly walk around the room, examining every surface for anything not right.

The others remained in the doorway, watching them work.

Valkyrie paused by the fireplace and frowned. She took a finger and ran it along part of the fireplace. Dust covered her finger. Her eyes wandered farther down the mantel and saw a large smudge in the dust, like something had disturbed it.

She walked closer to the smudge when something on the floor caught her attention. The dark haired girl knelt down and saw a large black mark, like a scuff mark, on the laminated floor.

Standing up again, an imperfection in the wall caught her attention. On closer examination, the wall seemed to curve slightly inward. Valkyrie ran her hand over the area. Sure enough, a small, hand sized indent was in the wall.

She turned slowly, gaze moving over the entire room. It came to rest next to the body. Valkyrie walked over and, using the toe of her boot, nudged the body's arm slightly. The hand opened and a glass sphere, the same size of the indent in the wall, fell out onto the cream rug now splattered with blood.

"Skulduggery," she said and Skulduggery turned.

"Valkyrie," he said, hands on hips. "What have I told you about touching the body at crime scenes? Sure, the body has plenty of clues and things but that is for the forensics people and scientists to find out. After all we can't have _all _the glory. We need to let others people gain an ego. None can get as great as _mine _of course but still."

Valkyrie scowled, "Skulduggery I moved the body so that-"

"You _moved _it!?"

"Yeah because-"

Skulduggery shook his finger at her, "Bad Valkyrie, very _very _bad. Not only did you go against my orders not to touch the body but you _moved _it too?"

"I FOUND AN OBJECT IN THE HAND YOU IDIOT! I WOULDN'T JUST _TOUCH _THE BODY TO _TOUCH _IT! I MEAN REALLY, WHO _DOES _THAT?!" Valkyrie snapped.

"Still, you touched it and that means you need to be punished."

Valkyrie crossed her arms, "And how do you propose you'll do that?"

"I'll think of a suitable punishment."

She sighed and picked up the sphere and examined it, it was a glass and fit perfectly in her hand. It shimmered like a diamond in the light, with only a few specks of blood on it.

After examining it she walked over and fit the ball into the indent in the wall. It fit. An image formed in her head as she examined what she found and put the possibilities together.

She turned to Skulduggery, "I have a theory."

"What is that?"

"Heart was in a different room, doing something, probably getting ready for our agent to meet her. Unknown assailant gets in and finds Heart in whatever room she was in. Heart takes off, intruder gives chase. They get into this room and Heart grabs the nearest thing," Valkyrie held up the sphere. "Tries to hit the person but the person dodged and she slams it into the wall instead, creating the indent I found here that matches the mark in the wall I found here perfectly. When the person dodged however they slipped, making the skid mark on the floor," she gestured at the black mark on the floor. "And when they lost their balance, grabbed the mantelpiece to steady themselves and the rest plays out with the assailant on the loose and Heart where she is now."

Skulduggery nodded thoughtfully, "I think I can add the missing piece to your theory."

"What is it?"

Skulduggery held up a candlestick, the blunt end bloody and slightly dented. "When the intruder stumbled and grabbed the mantel like you said," he explained. "They grabbed their own weapon which he used to bludgeon Heart to death. They then escaped out that window," he gestured to a window next to a bookshelf. "They probably used that same window to enter."

Valkyrie nodded, "That's most likely."

"Yes it is," Skulduggery agreed.

"So I guess we should let them take the body and clean everything up."

"Yes we should, and do you know what we have to do then?"

Valkyrie sagged, "Please don't tell me we have to do research."

"We do."

Valkyrie crossed her arms.

"Are you sulking?"

"Yes."

"Excellent," Skulduggery said cheerfully.


	8. Chapter 8

They got back to the Bentley, everyone too wrapped up in what they were doing to notice that two of the most wanted men and a zombie were following the Sanctuary's Prime Detectives around like puppies.

They spent the entire day following Valkyrie and Skulduggery around. Sanguine had to admit, he was impressed with how they worked.

But once the day was over and Skulduggery dropped them off at Valkyrie's house they were exhausted. They came through the front door and Valkyrie mumbled a goodnight then ran up to her room.

Dusk crashed on the couch again while Sanguine went up to the Master Bedroom, leaving Scapegrace to wonder where he could sleep. After a few minutes thought he went and got settled for the night.

Everything was silent, except for Sanguine's snores that echoed around the house.

A couple hours later Dusk was awoken by something upstairs. He frowned and sat up, confused a few seconds later, thanks to his enhanced senses, heard quiet talking then more scuffling and finally silence. After a little bit and no more noises he once again went back to sleep, deciding to ask Valkyrie about it in the morning.

The next morning everyone was still tired, Valkyrie seemed used to it and didn't complain but Sanguine was.

"We got back," he said slowly. "At Midnight, how do you call that early?"

Valkyrie shrugged and took a bite of her cereal. "My usual is getting two hours or less of sleep on a couch or in the Bentley. You tell me."

Sanguine stared at her for a few moments then went back to scarfing his toast down.

Dusk sipped his coffee in silence then remembered he wanted to ask Valkyrie something. "What were you doing last night?"

Valkyrie looked up and frowned, "What do you mean?"

"Last night I heard something upstairs and I was wondering what was going on."

Valkyrie scowled, "Caelan was annoying me again."

Dusk frowned, "Caelan?"

"Yeah, he is _really _annoying."

"How?"

"Everything out of his mouth is like out of a gothic romance novel."

"Like what?"

"Read 'Twilight' and you'll know."

He gave her a weird look and she drained her orange juice then stood up, "I'm going to go take a shower."

A few seconds later they heard her scream. Sanguine and Dusk raced up the stairs to find Valkyrie glaring into the bathroom.

"SCAPEGRACE!"

They joined her at the door to see Scapegrace curled up in the bathtub. He jerked awake, "Huh?"

Valkyrie glared, "What are you doing?"

"Sleeping," Scapegrace replied.

"Well get up, I want to take a shower."

"Oh."

Scapegrace groaned. He stood up and brushed past everyone grumbling.

Valkyrie rolled her eyes and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Dusk, Sanguine and Scapegrace went back downstairs to finish breakfast.

Then Valkyrie's phone, which had been sitting on the table, went off.

Scapegrace, Dusk and Sanguine all looked at each other than at the phone.

"Who's going to answer it?" Sanguine asked.

"Not me!" Scapegrace cried and ran out of the room.

Dusk and Sanguine looked at each other.

Dusk sighed, "Fine." He picked the phone up.

"Val! Oh I'm so glad I caught you, Caelan's after me and-"

There was a snarl and a girl screamed then Fletcher came back.

"HELP! I'M IN THE PARK AND-"

Another scream from the girl then the line went dead.

Dusk put down the phone.

"Who was it?" Sanguine asked.

"Fletcher Renn."

"Oh."

Fifteen minutes later Valkyrie came into the kitchen in her normal black clothes. "Did my phone go off?" she asked.

"Yes," Sanguine said.

"Who was it?"

"Fletcher."

Her eyes went huge, "OH CRAP I FORGOT TO TELL HIM CAELAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM!" She ran out the door.

Sanguine and Dusk looked at each other.

"Should we follow her?" Sanguine asked.

"Maybe we should."

They got up and hurried outside where Valkyrie had already hotwired the Penguin Mobile and was about to drive off. They jumped in and Valkyrie stepped on the gas, the Penguin Mobile shot off and Valkyrie frowned. "We're only going about four miles per hour."

"Yes we are," Sanguine said.

They ditched the Penguin Mobile and sprinted to the park instead. When they arrived Fletcher was cowering on top of the decorative fountain with Caelan trying to grab him

"Caelan!" Valkyrie called and the two boys looked over. "Stop chasing Fletcher up fountains and get your emo butt over here right this instant.

"But-" Caelan started.

"NOW!"

Caelan hung his head and trudged over to Valkyrie, "I'm sorry my love."

"I told you not to call me that."

"We're destined to be together."

"Yeah, yeah and Justin Bieber will never have a bazillion fans after him. Now stop chasing my friend around and trying to kill him."

Fletcher's eyes widened in shock, "I'm your friend?"

"Yes, I have actually managed to get past your hair obsession much in the same way I have gotten over Skulduggery's hat and Bentley obsession."

"And where's the girl I heard screaming on the other end?" Dusk asked.

Fletcher frowned, "The only one screaming was me."

Valkyrie laughed, "Yeah I forgot to tell you he screams like a girl."

Caelan growled, looking over at Sanguine and Dusk, "You will not harm Valkyrie."

"They aren't harming me like I told you two nights ago," Valkyrie growled. "They are _guarding _me from an assassin."

"I am all the protection you need. I would hold back anyone from harming you."

"You couldn't hold back a sneeze."

This seemed to aggravate Caelan because he growled and lunged at Valkyrie but Dusk stopped him by grabbing his neck and pinning him to the ground.

He looked at Valkyrie, "What should I do with him now?"

"I think I have an idea."

Skulduggery walked into his house happily humming the 'Girl from Ipanema,' one of his favorite songs. He went into his living room and froze.

"Um Caelan," Skulduggery began slowly. "Why are you duct-tape tied to my meditating chair with glitter all over you?"

While Skulduggery was trying to figure that out, Dusk, Valkyrie and Sanguine were heading back home. Fletcher had teleported back to where ever he came from as soon as Caelan had been subdued, too freaked out to wonder why Dusk and Sanguine were helping Valkyrie.

The group got back to Valkyrie's house and opened the door. They walked in and found Scapegrace playing with Alice on the floor of the living room floor, baby toys scattered around them.

The zombie looked up when they came in he opened his mouth to say something when they heard tires screeching to a halt then footsteps. They turned and saw Skulduggery appear, Thrasher in tow. "I think," he said. "You forgot this," he shook Thrasher slightly.

"Hi guys," Thrasher said smiling.

"You left him in my trunk _all night. _Now the back of my baby smells like something crawled in there and died. Poor thing is traumatized I'll have to comfort her all day."

Dusk and Sanguine looked confused when he said this while Scapegrace was lecturing Thrasher about not telling them he was still locked in the trunk.

Valkyrie face-palmed, "You love that Bentley more than anything don't you?"

"Not anything, there is still one thing that I love just as much."

"And what would that be?"

Skulduggery reached up and patted his head, "Precious of course."

"You _named _your _hat?"_

"Of course, when I'm going around telling people about my hat I have to have a name for her."

Valkyrie sighed and shook her head in defeat.

"Oh by the way," Skulduggery said. "Where are my keys? I had to use my spare the other day. Dusk I gave them to you, where are they?"

"Erm," Dusk suddenly remembered the keys Skulduggery had given him, and what happened to them. He dug into his pocket and pulled out the broken key and put it in Skulduggery's out stretched hand.

Skulduggery stared at it for a second then looked back at the Vampire, "What happened to it?"

"Scapegrace did it," Dusk pointed at Scapegrace.

"WAIT WHAT?!" Scapegrace cried, looking up from Alice and pointing at Dusk. "No I didn't do anything. What didn't I do?"

"You broke the keys Skulduggery gave us."

"Oh yeah that was Dusk."

Skulduggery looked between the two, both still pointing at each other. He looked at them again. "What happened?"

"Scapegrace was playing with the keys you gave me so I tried to take them back because you didn't say anything about stupid zombies using them but he wouldn't let go so we ended up breaking them accidently."

Skulduggery looked at the two one more time, "Scapegrace you're buying me new keys."

"WHAT?! BUT DUSK DID IT!"

"No, Dusk was being responsible while you were being stupid like usual so you have to pay for your stupidity by buying me a new set of keys."

Scapegrace hung his head in defeat.

Dusk smirked and settled back on the couch, Valkyrie was sitting on the floor now with Thrasher playing with Alice. Sanguine moved off to get a drink while Skulduggery continued to mourn his 'Baby' and pet 'Precious.'

Finally Valkyrie had enough. She turned and looked at Skulduggery. "Would you go home already?"

Skulduggery looked at her then looked down and twiddled his thumbs, "I don't want to go home," he mumbled.

Valkyrie laughed, "You're so bored you want to stay at my house?"

He nodded miserably, "Can I?"

She sighed, "Fine but don't go in my room. I don't like you being in there without me supervising you."

"Okay," Skulduggery sat down in an armchair and continued to take care of his hat. Valkyrie grabbed a red block and held it out to Alice, "Red."

Alice watched.

Valkyrie picked up a blue block, "Blue." She held up both, "Which is red?" Alice reached over and grabbed the red block. Valkyrie grinned and grabbed a cow. They played for at least a half hour, until Sanguine began complaining that he was bored and wanted to do something.

Valkyrie thought for a moment then grinned, "Hey guys," she said. They looked at her. "You want to see what we do on a day where we aren't fighting bad guys?"

Sanguine frowned, "This isn't what you do all day?"

"Not even close," she ran upstairs and let her reflection out then came downstairs after calling Tanith.

"Come on," Valkyrie said. "I'm meeting Tanith at the pier in twenty-minutes. Skulduggery can you watch Alice for a little bit?"

"Okay," Skulduggery said. "But don't get arrested again, I don't want to have to break you and Tanith out of jail again."

Valkyrie scowled, "How was I supposed to know it was illegal to mess up the letters on signs and put 'You suck' on all of them."

Dusk and Sanguine exchanged looks.

"Come on," Valkyrie ran out the door , the others went to follow but Skulduggery called them back.

"I just thought it might be fair to warn you," Skulduggery said. "Watching Valkyrie and Tanith is _not _going to be easy. Trust me, I've been doing it for years and have become an expert. My advice, _do not take your eyes off them._ And Sanguine, yes I am aware you have no eyes so just don't stop watching them in whatever way you are able to see. Got it? Good, now if you'll excuse me I need to go make sure Alice isn't trying to crawl into the dryer again." With that, Skulduggery left the room leaving four very confused criminals behind him.

They finally got to the pier and found Tanith and Valkyrie waiting for them, on the phone call Valkyrie had explained about the bad guys were being her guards so the blond didn't freak out but when she saw Sanguine she did set a rule, "I don't want you within a ten feet radius of me, understand?"

Sanguine nodded, still smiling.

"Good," then her cheerfulness was back. She giggled.

"What?" Valkyrie asked.

"I'm thinking about something we should do to Fletcher."'

An evil grin crept across Valkyrie's face, "Tell me."

Thirty Minutes Later…

Fletcher sat in his room at the hotel he was staying at watching TV. He got up and stretched then went to the bathroom where he kept his hair gel hoard. Once inside he grabbed a bottle of hair gel and squirted some into his hand. He smeared it into his hair and began to meticulously comb it in.

After a few moments he found it becoming harder to move his fingers through his hair. "What the?" he tried to pull his and out of his hair but his hand was stuck.

Fletcher began to panic and look around desperately for something to get his hand unstuck.

Outside the room Valkyrie, Tanith, Sanguine, Scapegrace, Thrasher and Dusk were snickering quietly as they watched Fletcher run around panicking.

"Classic!" Tanith giggled hysterically.

"Yep," Valkyrie agreed. "He's going to have to shave his precious hair off to get his hand unstuck."

Even the bad guys were enjoying this, watching Fletcher run around like headless chicken was a lot more comical then they had originally thought. They looked up when their focus of amusement let out a very odd noise and began bumping into things as he stumbled around the living room. The hotel was the highest class in the area. All rooms had a bathroom, a bedroom and a living room.

Luckily they were in the bedroom watching through the doorway. Fletcher squealed, desperately trying to yank his hand out of his hair. Dusk snickered but was silenced by Valkyrie elbowing him in the stomach.

"Quick! He's coming over! Hide!" Valkyrie dove under the bed while Sanguine tunneled into the nearest wall. Tanith hid on top of the ceiling fan and Dusk went to the nearby closet. Leaving Scapegrace and Thrasher to panic.

They looked around wildly, Thrasher actually getting his senses back and jumping behind a chair. Scapegrace continued to freak out and try to find a hiding place. When Fletcher stumbled in he finally got a hold of himself and managed to throw himself out the window at the last second. Fletcher fell over the bed and reached with his free hand for the phone then dialed a number.

"Hello? Yes, I need someone to help me. It's an emergency."

"My emergency? My HAND IS STUCK IN MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT! Hello? Hello? Screw you 911 operators," Fletcher pressed the button to end the conversation but didn't put the phone down. After a few moments he dialed a number and the Nyan Cat theme song rang out in the room.

Valkyrie nearly shrieked and hurriedly began rifling through her pockets for her phone. _Gum, tissues, hair tie, old Cheese It, Taser. Phone! _She grabbed her phone and yanked it out, pressing the off button and everything went silent until:

Fletcher screamed and leaped of the bed yelling "HAUNTED MATTRESS!" and raced out of the room so fast Valkyrie was surprised that his hair would even allowed him to go at such speeds.

After a few moments she crawled out from under the bed, Sanguine reappeared out of the wall, Tanith jumped down from the ceiling fan, Thrasher came out from behind the chair and Dusk opened up the closet and stepped out. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"That was awesome!" Tanith cackled.

"Haunted mattress, did he seriously think a haunted mattress would play the Nyan cat song?" Valkyrie questioned between laughs.

"I think he's too stupid to realize how just how ridiculous the things that come out of his mouth are," Sanguine said making them laugh harder.

"Hey," Valkyrie finally said. "Where's Scapegrace?"

They all went quiet then a voice out the window got their attention.

"Help!"

They walked over and looked out the window. Scapegrace was barely hanging onto the sill of the window. His legs were kicking and he was trying his hardest not to look at the sixteen story drop to the pavement below.

Sanguine and Dusk grabbed the zombie and pulled him in, Thrasher immediately went to hug him but Scapegrace glared at him and he backed off.

"So now what?" Dusk asked as they walked out of the hotel.

"Now," Valkyrie said. "We go to the Sanctuary."

"To get a case?" Thrasher said.

Sanguine whined, "Fun's over."

Tanith and Valkyrie looked at him, "Who said the fun was over? We're going to toilet paper the Sanctuary."

They stared.

"Is that smart?" Dusk asked.

"Nope!" Tanith said cheerfully. "Now come on, we have a year's worth of toilet paper hidden in the bushes outside the Sanctuary that's just waiting to be thrown."

So that is what they did. Within twenty minutes they were at the Sanctuary with a years-worth of toilet paper getting ready to TP the Sanctuary. And to celebrate the occasion, Tanith had a surprise.

"Hey Val, guess what I found?"

"What?"

Tanith brought up a bag a pulled out a large container. Valkyrie eyes went huge, "MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS?! WHERE'D YOU FIND THEM!?" She shrieked.

"I found them the vent at Skulduggery's house. Wonder why it was in there."

Valkyrie shrugged, "Don't know."

The blond pulled two large cans out and threw one to Valkyrie. "Hey do you want any?" Tanith asked the others.

Dusk shook his head. Scapegrace was busy getting mad at Thrasher again and when Sanguine went to say something Dusk glared at him so he closed his mouth and shook his head.

Valkyrie shrugged, "Suit yourself," she opened her drink and glugged it down then grabbed another and another. Soon all eighteen cans were empty and the two girls were standing in silence.

"I feel….. _tingly," _Tanith said slowly.

"Me to…." Valkyrie said slowly.

They turned to each other, eyes wide and huge grins on their faces, "Awesome."

And so the TP-ing began.

It took them about two hours, they were surprised they hadn't been found out but then even when they thought they had been caught by Ravel he decided to join in, but was called back by Ghastly saying that there were some important documents he needed to sign. In the end Ghastly had to carry Ravel back inside

After an hour Scapegrace and Thrasher fails, the entire Sanctuary was covered in toilet paper and the small group was standing off to the side looking at their art work.

"Amazing," Tanith breathed.

"Yes," Valkyrie agreed. "Two months of planning and countless hours money wasted on the cost and hiding of our hoard. Completely worth it."

"Agreed."

They stood in silence for a bit more then Sanguine spoke, "That was awesome! I wish we could see everyone's faces when they see their precious Sanctuary covered in toilet paper."

Just then Madame Mist walked out of the Sanctuary and turned, she saw the toilet paper and froze. Then she looked right at them.

"Oh crap!" Valkyrie said. "It's Mist! RUN!"

Before they could move, ten Cleavers ran over and circled them.

"Dang," Tanith muttered.

Mist glided forward and stopped in front of them. "What," she said in her quiet voice. "You did to the Sanctuary is low even for you Vaurian."

Scapegrace and Thrasher were quietly panicking, Sanguine looked uneasy while Dusk was as unresponsive as always. Valkyrie and Tanith looked at Mist bored-ly.

"And you, Cain and Low. I would have expected more from you two as you are in such high regard of the Sanctuary. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

"Monster truck," Tanith asked.

Mist blinked, "I'm sorry?"

"Dish washer," Valkyrie said.

Dusk and Sanguine frowned in confusion, Scapegrace and Thrasher even looked over.

Mist stared for a few seconds then shook her head and regained her angry look. She opened her mouth to speak-

"Obi-wan Kenobi," Tanith had a very odd grin on her face.

"SpongeBob," Valkyrie's grin was just as disturbing.

Mist's eye twitched, "Um are you okay?"

The two girl's only response was for them to, very slowly, stick their tongues out. At the same time their eyes grew bigger, and bigger and glazed over.

Then Valkyrie spoke in a weird robotic voice, "I like chocolate milk."

Both girl's faces lit up in huge grins.

"O-kay then…." Mist began to slowly back away, hands held up in front of her. Even the Cleavers seemed freaked out. "Cleavers let them go, we have more…. _Pressing _matters to tend to."

The Cleavers gracefully sheathed their scythes as one and stepped back to join Mist. After they were safely back in the Sanctuary Sanguine spoke.

"Wow," he said, awe in his voice. "You must get in trouble with her a lot. We got out of that a lot quicker than I thought we would."

"Yeah!" Scapegrace said. "The look on her face, I didn't know anyone could look that creeped out."

"Uh, guys?" Dusk asked.

The girls still looked odd. Their eyes were wide and glazed and they had big grins on their faces.

"Yah," Tanith said. "We get in a LOT of trouble around here. One time, we switched the presentation video that was supposed to be viewed at a top-secret meeting with the Supreme Council with a jump-scare video."

Valkyrie's head looked like it was going to pop off she nodded her head so fast, "Yeah! It was really funny! Everybody screamed and we made Grand Mage Strom faint."

There was silence.

"Ravel wet himself."

This sent both girls into hysterical laughter that was silenced by Tanith saying "Let's bungee jump off the Liffey bridge!"

"Yeah!" Valkyrie cheered.

"Wait, _what?" _Sanguine said, unsure if he had heard them correctly. "You're going to do _what?"_

"We're going to go bungee jump off the Liffey Bridge!" Tanith said proudly, fists on hips.

"Yep! And be complete idiots while doing it!" Valkyrie agreed, beaming.

They ran off while the boys looked at each other uncertainly, "Should we stop them?" Scapegrace asked.

"I want to see how they do first," Sanguine said.

Scapegrace and Thrasher grinned while Dusk shrugged. They followed the two hyper girls over to the river Liffey and onto the bridge where Tanith and Valkyrie quickly had a rope tied around their waists that was attached to the railing.

"They aren't actually going?" Sanguine started.

"Banzai!" Tanith squealed and the two jumped over the railing.

"Yes they are," Dusk said as they looked over the edge. The girls were hanging by their waist, swinging slightly.

"Tanith," Valkyrie said.

"Yeah?"

"We forgot the elastic."

"Yes we did."

They hung for another few seconds, "Let's play chicken!"

"Okay!"

Soon they were swing back and forth underneath the bridge, hurtling towards each other.

Neither moved out of the way.

There was a sickening _"SMACK!" _as they slammed into each other, bouncing slightly away.

"Oh, that can't be healthy," Dusk said more to himself than anyone else.

"Are you okay?" Thrasher called.

"We're good!" Valkyrie yelled back.

Tanith began to swing again, untying the rope at the same time. Valkyrie cocked her head, "What are you doing?"

"Watch me!" Just as she said this, the rope came lose and she flew through the air, the momentum from swinging throwing her forward where she did a perfect belly-flop in the river Liffey.

The four men cringed.

"Oh, that's got to hurt," Dusk said, more to himself than anyone else.

Valkyrie giggled, the energy drinks still pumping through her system at full force, "I WANT TO TRY! I WANT TO TRY!" She began swinging again and at the peak of her arc managed to untie the rope so that she did a belly-flop that wasn't too dissimilar to Tanith's.

She came up to the surface and looked at Tanith. They burst out laughing.

In the end, the two swam for two hours in the river before being drug out by the others who decided that it might be better to go back to Valkyrie's house.

Once they got back, Skulduggery came out to meet the mud splattered group. His head cocked curiously to the side, "I knew not to take your eyes off them. And yes, Sanguine I am still aware you have no eyes."

He added the last bit when Sanguine went to open his mouth. Sanguine closed it again.

"Yes," Dusk said. "I have found that watching those two is a lot harder than I thought."

Skulduggery nodded, "I told you so." He looked around, "Where are Valkyrie and Tanith?"

"I CAN FLY!"

They looked up and saw Tanith about to jump off the roof of Valkyrie's house.

"TANITH! NO! STEP AWAY FROM THE EDGE!" Sanguine yelled.

She jumped.

"Dang."

She did a perfect face-plant on the ground.

"NUH-HUH! _I'M _AN ELEMENTAL! THAT MEANS _I _CAN FLY!" Valkyrie appeared on the roof.

Skulduggery cursed.

She jumped and Tanith, who was just getting up, was slammed back into the ground by Valkyrie landing on her.

"OOF!"

Skulduggery sighed then walked over. He circled them a few times then nudged their bodies with the toe of his boot. "I," he said finally, "Have come to a conclusion."

Silence.

Scapegrace looked around. "Well?"

Skulduggery cocked his head, "Well what?"

"Well, aren't you going to tell us?"

"Tell you what? All the ways that I am amazing and awesome? Because there are _so _many."

"No," Dusk face-palmed. "What your conclusion is."

"Ah, yes. Apparently they have somehow found the stash of Monster energy drinks I was trying to hide from them and drank the entire carton. Now it has messed with their minds and caused large bursts of energy that need to be spent performing the stupidest and most dangerous stunts known to man-kind."

They stared.

"That explains a lot," Sanguine said.

"Yes," Dusk agreed. "Yes it does."

Skulduggery knelt down and pulled Tanith up, "Come on Tanith. I'll take you home so that you can get new clothes on then you can go to bed. Does that sound fun?"

"I like strawberries," Tanith's eyes crossed.

Skulduggery patted her, "Yes, yes you do." He pulled Tanith along after him.

"I'm leaving you in charge of Valkyrie by the way!" Skulduggery called over his shoulder. "Good luck!"

Dusk and Sanguine looked at each other and sighed. This was _not _going to be easy.

"Valkyrie! _Calm down!" _Sanguine yelled to no avail as Valkyrie ran around the room giggling and squealing. Dusk dove and barely managed to catch a vase Valkyrie knocked over before it shattered on the floor. Scapegrace and Thrasher yelped, jumping out the way of Valkyrie. Thrasher smashed into a wall hard enough to dislodge one of then hanging pictures and have it land on his head.

"This is _not _working," Scapegrace stated as he stood up, brushing himself and managing to make one of his fingers fall off. He scowled and picked it up.

"Thank you Captain Obvious," Sanguine snapped.

Dusk talked Valkyrie as she passed him. He grunted as he struggled to hold her down. She wouldn't stop _struggling._ He stood up, holding her against his chest and trapping her arms against her sides. She continued to wiggle around, trying to get free.

"Good job Dusk!" Sanguine grinned. "You caught her!"

"Yes, and now we need to get her to calm down," Dusk growled.

Valkyrie went limp.

"Oh," Sanguine said. "That was easy."

Dusk sighed and carried Valkyrie up to her room, right when they were about to enter the room, Valkyrie woke up. He braced himself for high energy levels but she seemed, neutral.

"Put me down," she said.

He put her down.

She walked into her room and slammed the door. Dusk paused then went back downstairs just in time to see Sanguine spill his drink all over the floor.

**Oh my gosh, this must have taken forever to read. I'm sorry it's such a long chapter...**

**But, as always... PLEASE REVIEW! XD**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been updating that much, my Grandma isn't doing the best and we had a HUGE party last night so I was beat last night. Also I forgot to mention that Luna Shadows was the one who gave me the idea that Fletcher's hair gel get switched with glue. I would have put it in the A/N at the bottom but I've been sort of stressed lately and I forgot. :'( Any way... don't forget to review and I DO take ideas/request so ON WITH THE STORY! XD**

The next day Sanguine, Dusk, Scapegrace and Thrasher were sitting at the kitchen table. Sanguine and Dusk were drinking coffee while Scapegrace was admonishing Thrasher for something.

A loud crash was heard by the stairs making the zombies shriek and Sanguine and Dusk running to see what was going on. They got out to the hall to see Valkyrie laying face-first on the ground at the foot of the stairs.

She lifted her head up, "Ouch."

"What happened?" Sanguine asked as he helped her up.

"I fell," Valkyrie murmured. "Down the stairs. It hurt."

"Yeah, of course it did. But how _did _you fall?"

"I was walking," Valkyrie said. "And I tripped. Then I fell down the stairs and landed on my face."

"Why don't you sit down then?"

"Okay."

They went back into the kitchen and Valkyrie sat down, she blinked a couple times then shook her head. "Okay," she said finally. "I'm good."

"Great," Dusk sat down next to Scapegrace again.

Valkyrie pulled an apple out of a bowl of fruit and took a bite out of it. "By the way," she said chewing. "I'm leaving guys here alone today."

This made them all freeze and stare at her like she was nuts.

"WHAT?!" they all yelled.

"Yeah, don't worry. We're just doing some research and a couple small cases. We'll be gone for most of the day. Might spend the night at Skulduggery's but you should be fine on your own. You're all grown men."

They continued to stare.

She sighed, "Fine. I promise I'll be home no later than one okay."

They grudgingly agreed and after a few minutes Valkyrie left for the day. Everyone sat in silence for a while, no one knowing what to do exactly. Then Sanguine spoke.

"Well it looks like we have the day off."

"Awesome," Scapegrace said.

"So what do we do?" Thrasher asked.

"Want to see what there is to do?" Sanguine suggested.

Everyone shrugged and stood up. They went into the living room and began to look around the room. Sanguine was looking at the bookshelves, Dusk was going through files the CDs. Scapegrace was peering into a cabinet while Thrasher looked under the furniture.

"Found something."

Everyone ran over and crowded around Dusk as he pulled out box that said 'Stephanie's Home Videos.'

"Who's Stephanie?" Scapegrace asked dumbly.

"I don't know," Thrasher said.

"Beats me," Sanguine grabbed the first DVD and slid it into the DVD player then press 'Start' after they were all standing around the TV.

The blank screen changed to the familiar setting of somewhere inside the Sanctuary. A very dizzy looking Valkyrie and Tanith appeared. The giant grins on their faces that reminded them of the former days activities.

"Is the camera set up?" Tanith sounded drunk as she staggered around.

"Yeah," Valkyrie sounded just as odd.

"Then let's do this thang!" Tanith cheered throwing her arms in the air.

"What's going on in here?" China Sorrows stumbled in. Her hair looked slightly messy along with her clothes. She looked drunk.

"We're gonna play Slender Man," Valkyrie's words slurred together so much the guys could barely understand what she was saying.

China's eyes widened, "Oh can I play!"

"Sure!"

The girls went to a laptop and turned on a game. Then a very drunk Fletcher and Ghastly came in and joined the group.

"Oh! Slendy! I want to play!" Fletcher slurred, drink in hand.

"No, whoever is drunkest gets to," Tanith retorted.

"That," Ravel appeared at the door, "Would be me."

"Then get your butt over here and play the game!" Tanith yelled.

He stumbled over, almost falling on his face in the process, and sat down in the swivel chair. Once had gotten over the fascination and terror that the chair moved on its own the game began.

"OH MY GOSH IT'S A ROCK!" Ghastly screamed about two minutes into the game.

"Slendy," Valkyrie called. "Where are you? I want to hug you!"

"Chairs are demons in disguise," Fletcher said in full seriousness.

"Wheeee! Look at me, I'm spinning!" Ravel giggled as he spun the person on the game in a circle.

Tanith gasped, "A PAGE!"

This was responded with multiple cheers of joy like they had just won the lottery.

"WHAT DOES IT SAY?! WHAT DOES IT SAY?!" Valkyrie screamed.

"It says, 'behind you.'"

This made them go into a blind panic with a lot of screaming. Then Fletcher started singing.

"SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!" Fletcher's singing was like a half-deaf alley cat trying to yowl while choking on a chicken bone at the same time. The others soon joined in and after a few bars the song somehow morphed into 'We are the Champions.'

Valkyrie burst into a giggling fit and stumbled against Tanith, "Hey Tanith?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't think that punch was non-alcoholic."

"Nope."

"HOLY CRAP THE TREE IS CHASING US!" Ravel's scream made them breakout in extreme panic and ended with Tanith running around the ceiling shrieking that the trees were plotting their demise.

Valkyrie took this opportunity to yell "DAMN THOSE LAZY COWS!" at the top of her lungs.

"Cows," Fletcher was swaying slightly. "Cows say cock-a-doodle-doo."

This went on for another hour or so, the group screaming about the oddest things and dying multiple times.

"Can you climb fence?" Valkyrie asked randomly at one point.

"IT WON'T LET MEEEE!" Ravel jabbed at random buttons on keyboard.

"STUPID SLENDER! WHY CAN'T I HUG YOU?!" Tanith cried.

"Bicycle, bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle!" Ghastly sang. Everyone burst into song once again.

By the time the video had ended all four bad guys were on the floor in fits of laughter.

"They," Sanguine managed to say, "Were scared of a chair. _Who _is scared… of a _chair?"_

"Apparently drunk people," Dusk laughed.

Finally they stopped laughing and amused themselves with more of 'Stephanie's Home Videos' until it was dark outside and it was bedtime.

Sanguine still was sleeping in the Master bedroom while Scapegrace was currently sleeping in the tub and Thrasher stayed where ever he could find room.

Dusk lay down on the couch but didn't go to sleep. He heard the front door open and close and he went to meet Valkyrie in the kitchen.

"Where were you?" Dusk asked, his arms crossed.

Valkyrie turned and looked at him with a frown on her face. "I was with Skulduggery remember? He just dropped me off."

"At this hour? This is not an acceptable young lady."

"But- I told you I'd be back by one!" Valkyrie cried.

"It's almost Midnight, I'd hardly call that one o' clock."

"I meant one in the _morning_ not in the _afternoon._ That'd be crazy early!"

Dusk sighed, "Go to bed."

"But-"

"Go, to bed."

Valkyrie sagged and trudged up the stairs. He shook his head and once again lay down on the couch, _'Girls.'_

**Got the idea about them being drunk and playing Slender Man from a video on YouTube called '11 Drunk Guys Play Slender Man.' It is HILARIOUS and I couldn't resist putting that idea to action. So I do not own that video, Skulduggery Pleasant, We are the Champions and Bicycle are owned by Queen and Diamonds in owned by Rihanna. I OWN NOTHING.**


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, Valkyrie got up and, carefully, went down the stairs to the kitchen where everyone else was already sitting. They exchanged a few greetings then Sanguine went back to telling Scapegrace about his first time riding a bull. Valkyrie was pretty sure he was exaggerating some of the facts.

She went over to the fridge and opened it, grabbed the milk, and looked up. She shrieked and jumped backwards making everyone else look over to see what had spooked her this time.

Thrasher blinked open his eyes and looked down at everyone from where he lay curled up asleep on top of the refrigerator. "Wha?"

"What are you doing?" Valkyrie cried.

The zombie rubbed his eyes, "I was sleeping."

"On top of the_ fridge?!"_

"Yeah, I couldn't find a place to sleep so I crawled up here. The fridge noises helped me sleep."

They stared, Valkyrie blinked a couple times. "How do you even _get _up there?"

Thrasher shrugged then went to climb down but slipped and fell on his face. Valkyrie sighed; she really needed to find a place for him to sleep permanently. She didn't want to wake up one morning to find Thrasher sleeping in her bed. That'd just be creepy.

Once Thrasher was sitting at the table Sanguine turned to Valkyrie, "Hey what are we going to do today? I'm getting bored just sitting around all the time."

"Well," Valkyrie said talking a bite of her cereal. "I'm leaving you guys here alone again and I need you to watch Alice. Yesterday Tanith had dropped by and picked her up and watched her but she can't today because we're going on a case and we need her help." She swallowed.

"By the way, when Tanith came in to get Alice she said she heard you guys laughing at something, what was that about?" She waved her spoon in the air.

"Oh uh…" they looked at each other, suddenly uncertain.

"We, erm…. found some DVDs and watched them." Scapegrace said. "They were really funny."

"Oh," Valkyrie finished her breakfast and went to put the dishes in the sink. "What was it called?"

"Um….."

"Drunk people!" Thrasher piped up.

They all looked at him and Valkyrie frowned. "O-okay then…." She grabbed her coat and went to the door. "See you later then."

A horn honked.

"I'M COMING! KEEP YOUR HAT ON!" Valkyrie yelled out the door. As she left an unsettling thought crept into her head, _'Is it smart leaving Alice alone with them?'_

After Valkyrie had left all four men let out breaths of relief, they didn't know how she would react if she found out they had gone through the things in her house.

"That," Sanguine leaned back in his seat, "Was close."

"Yes," Dusk agreed, lounging as well. "Yes it was."

And then they heard a baby cry. They jumped, startled by the sudden noise in the quiet house.

"Oh crap," Scapegrace said. "We forgot about the baby."

"Who should get her?" Thrasher asked.

They went quiet.

"I will!" Scapegrace jumped out of his chair.

"Sit down," Dusk snapped. "Valkyrie said she didn't want you to hold her remember?"

Scapegrace sagged and sat back down, "I wanted to hold the baby."

"I'm afraid your arms might fall off," Sanguine agreed.

"I can," Thrasher said meekly.

"No way," Dusk said.

"Same reason," Sanguine said.

Thrasher sagged.

They sat in silence for another few moments then Dusk sighed and left the room and came back a few seconds later with Alice. He put her in the middle of the table and they all looked at her. No one had any idea about what to do.

"So what do we do now?" Scapegrace asked.

"I'm not sure," Sanguine said.

Alice was still crying.

"Oh! What about toys?" Thrasher said. "Babies like toys."

"Good idea!" Sanguine said.

"I'll get the knives!" Scapegrace said.

Dusk smacked him on the head, "Babies don't play with knives you idiot."

"Ow," Scapegrace moaned, rubbing his head.

"Hey she stopped crying," they turned and looked. Sure enough Alice had stopped crying. Dusk frowned and whacked Scapegrace again.

"OW! What was _that_ for?" Scapegrace snapped.

Alice started laughing, she clapped her hands. They grinned at each other.

After another few minutes of torturing Scapegrace with assorted items they found around the kitchen, they went into the living room and sat down on the floor, the baby's toys spread around them. Sanguine thought for a few minutes, trying to remember exactly how Valkyrie played with Alice. He picked up a cow and held it out.

Alice looked at it for a few seconds then took it. She turned it over in her little hands then threw it at Scapegrace's head.

"OUCH!"

Alice giggled and clapped her hands at his out-burst.

Scapegrace stared at her. "She- she threw a _cow _at my _head!"_

Dusk and Sanguine were laughing along with the baby. Thrasher looked slightly bewildered but that was his usual expression so they didn't find that abnormal.

"Yes," Dusk managed to get out. "Yes she did."

"And it was hilarious," Sanguine added.

Alice seemed especially pleased that she had made the others laugh too so she grabbed another toy, this one was a toy hammer. She took it and whacked Scapegrace's hand that was on the floor.

Scapegrace yelped again and clutched his hand to his chest, "Demon baby."

Alice laughed.

They played with her for a while, than they settled down to watch TV. Sanguine left to get something to drink and came back, drink in hand, with a piece of paper. "Hey guys," he said. "I think this is Alice's schedule."

Scapegrace frowned, "Babies have schedules?"

Alice threw a block at his head.

"WOULD YOU QUIT THAT?!" Scapegrace snapped, jerking his head around to look at her.

Alice laughed again.

"What's on it?" He asked.

Sanguine looked at the paper, "Well it says she can have two hours of educational TV a day."

Dusk frowned, "What counts as educational?"

Sanguine shrugged, "What about Animal Planet?"

"Okay."

They changed the channel only to get an eyeful of a lioness rip off an antelope's head. Everyone's eyes widened and Dusk changed the channel.

"Poor antelope," Thrasher whimpered.

Dora the Explorer was on so they choose that. Almost immediately Alice chucked the plastic zebra she was playing with at the TV.

"You don't like Dora?" Sanguine asked. She threw a horse at him. "I'll take that as a yes."

Scapegrace was in the middle of singing the Dora theme song when they changed it again. "Hey!"

Next was 'Doc Mcstuffins,' it was a block that she threw that time. They changed it again.

'Sofia the First,' 'Jake and the Never-land Pirates,' 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' even 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.' By the time they had gone through every single kid show there was a giant pile of toys in front of the TV and Scapegrace. In fact, it was almost disturbing how Scapegrace knew all of the kid shows and had the theme songs memorized.

Finally they gave up.

"What does this kid watch?!" Sanguine cried, sitting down heavily on the couch next to Dusk. The channel changed to pro wrestling.

Immediately Alice's eyes widened and glazed over, appearing to go into some kind of trance.

The bad guys exchanged looks.

"Oh," Sanguine said. "So that's what Valkyrie's parents think is educational TV? I can kind of see how she got so violent."

"Well," Thrasher said. "Now that the baby is taken care of we can enjoy a nice quiet day."

Ten minutes later….

"SCAPEGRACE GIVE ME MY STRAIGHT RAZOR BACK!" Sanguine was chasing Scapegrace around the living room. The zombie had become mad at Sanguine for taking his drink so he had gotten the smart idea to take the Texan's prized possession for pay-back. It turned out to not be such a good plan.

Dusk, Thrasher and Alice watched as the other two ran around the room. Scapegrace squealed and dodged a grab from Sanguine but lost his balance and fell. Right…. on….. the TV.

There was a loud "SMASH!" as the TV fell onto the floor, followed by cracks and snaps as the wires broke loose and disconnected. Time seemed to freeze as the realization dawned on everyone of what just happened.

"We," Dusk said. "Are dead."

"Not as dead as Scapegrace will be when I'm done with him," Sanguine went to lunge at Scapegrace again but Dusk blurred and grabbed him by the scruff, hauling him off his feet.

"Both of you," Dusk growled. "Stop fighting. Scapegrace, give Sanguine his straight razor back."

"But-" Scapegrace started.

_"Now."_

Scapegrace grumbled something then threw the straight razor back over to Sanguine.

"Now Sanguine," Dusk said looking at him. "You are not going to kill Scapegrace."

"Fully you mean," Sanguine said putting his straight razor away. "He's a zombie so he's, technically, the _living _dead."

"Shut up." Dusk let go of Sanguine and turned his attention to the TV. He went over and lifted it up. Glass and bits plastic and metal fell off the screen as he put it back in place on the table it had been sitting on.

Sanguine grabbed the remote and clicked the power button. The TV burst into flames. Among their yelps of shock, Dusk being the exception, there was an extremely high pitched scream and they whipped around to see Scapegrace looking very scared.

The zombie looked at them for a few moments then glared at Thrasher. Thrasher, for his part, wasn't even paying attention. Sanguine had run off. Dusk shook his head and turned back to the TV just as Sanguine reappeared with a bucket of water.

Dusk quickly put what he was going to do together, "NO DON'T PUT WATER ON AN ELECTRICAL FI-

The water hit the TV and the flames shot upwards. Sanguine coughed up some smoke, "What's that you were sayin' bout water and electrical fires?"

Dusk shook his head again then left the room and came back with a fire extinguisher. Once the fire was out, they all looked at each other.

"No one's gonna miss it right?" Sanguine tried.

"Sure," Dusk said sarcastically.

"Great," Scapegrace cried. "Now what are we going to do?! Valkyrie is going to _kill _us when she realizes we destroyed her TV! What are we going to do?!"

"We'll get a new one," Dusk said calmly.

"Oh really," Sanguine snapped. "And how exactly do you suppose we'll do that?"

"Wal-Mart is on the right," Sanguine said as they drove downtown to the local Wal-Mart for a new TV so that Valkyrie wouldn't know what they did. They didn't want to be seen in the Penguin Mobile though, so they had 'borrowed' a car from down the street. Dusk was driving with Sanguine sitting shot-gun and the zombies were in the back with Alice.

Once they had found a parking space, the four went inside. Thrasher carried Alice in a baby carrier and the odd group made a bee-line to the TVs. Scapegrace went up to the largest flat screen that was playing a football game. "Let's get this one!"

"I think that would take up the entire wall….." Sanguine murmured looking at it.

Dusk went off to go find one that could fit through the door while Scapegrace and Sanguine got into an argument about if the TV could fit in the house and Thrasher wandered off to who-knows-where. The Vampire looked around at the televisions set up when he realized something. They had forgotten to take measurements. After breaking up the argument and finding Thrasher, who had gone off to the pet area with Alice, he explained their problem.

There was a small bit of silence.

"I have a solution," Scapegrace finally said and they looked at him. "We can just buy this one," he gestured at the giant TV he had first pointed out.

"No," Sanguine snapped.

"Let's go back and get measurements then come back," Dusk said.

They agreed and headed back to the car, Thrasher put Alice on top of the car so that he could tie his shoe then got in. He forgot about Alice though and they drove off, the baby on top of the car.

Once they had gotten back to the house and taken the measurements, the bad guys got back in the car and drove to the store once again. Alice still sitting on top of the car.

After about an hour, a new TV packed up in the back, they once again went back to the house. And still, they forgot about the baby on the roof of the car. They got into Valkyrie's home and the new TV was put in place of the old, broken one that was thrown into a nearby dumpster. Sanguine finally realized what was missing.

"Hey," he said. Everyone looked at him. "Where's Alice?"

They froze.

"OH CRAP WE LOST THE BABY!" Scapegrace screamed.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!" Thrasher cried.

Sanguine and Dusk exchanged looks.

"Where'd we last see her?" Dusk asked.

"I don't know, I think in the parking lot," Sanguine stammered.

Everyone stopped panicking and looked at each other in horror.

"CRAP WE LEFT THE BABY IN A _PARKING LOT?!" _Scapegrace yelled. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE THEN JUST LEAVING HER SOMEWHERE!"

"WE HAVE TO GO GET HER!" Sanguine yelled and they ran back out to the car, completely missing the baby they were looking for, on top of the car.

Soon they arrived at the parking lot and they began to look around. After finally deciding that she wasn't there and that someone had taken her into the store, they went inside and up to the front desk.

"Excuse me," Sanguine said to the lady at the counter. "Have you seen a baby anywhere?"

The lady frowned, "You mean that one?" she pointed out the window at their car where Alice's carrier sat.

They screamed and practically trampled each other in their rush to get to the car. Once Sanguine had taken her out of the carrier and they were certain that she was unharmed the men relaxed and sighed in relief.

"Thank goodness she's okay!" Thrasher cried and went to take her but Sanguine shielded her with his body.

"You ain't allowed to touch the kid remember?" Sanguine said.

"At least she's happy," Scapegrace said looking at Alice.

Sure enough, she was grinning broadly at them like she was having the time of her life watching them run around panicking.

"Agreed," Sanguine said and they, once again, piled into the car and drove back to the house. When they got back, they settled down in the living room. Barely making it back before Valkyrie came home a few minutes later. She walked into the room and saw the bad guys settled around like nothing had happened.

Dusk was sprawled on the couch, flipping the channels on a strangely new looking TV. Sanguine drinking some soda and sitting in an arm chair while Scapegrace and Thrasher played with Alice on the floor. "Is everything okay?"

They looked up. "Yes."

She nodded slowly then walked back into the kitchen. The others breathed sighs of relief.

Then Alice said her first words. "I'm telling."

**SOOOOOOO sorry I haven't been updating! School has taken its toll and the homework and studying keeps me busy. :'( But don't worry, I have a new chapter and am working on the next one! So please review and hope you liked it! :)**


	11. Chapter 11

Luckily they managed to blackmail Alice into not telling on them with the promise of all sweets and the freedom to injure Scapegrace for a week without opposition.

"Black mail must run in the family," Sanguine muttered as he forked over a bag of gummies for her to suck on.

"Agreed," Dusk said from the couch.

Thrasher wandered in holding a glass of water that Scapegrace promptly yanked out of his minion's hands and drank out of. Alice grabbed a toy and hurled it at the glass, managing to hit it right when he went to take a drink and successfully spilling it all over the zombie's shirt.

"Hey!"

Alice laughed.

The front door opened and they heard Valkyrie's Reflection go up the stairs, open the door to Valkyrie's bed room and shut it. A few seconds later they heard a scream. _"YOU WHAT?!"_

There was muffled conversation then something broke and they heard swearing and yelling. The silence that followed was scary and the entire house seemed to be holding its breath. Even Alice had paused, toy hammer, her favorite weapon to use against Scapegrace, held above the zombie's socked foot.

Finally they heard the familiar footsteps coming down the stairs and they held their breath as she walked in. Her arms were crossed across her chest, face set in a scowl. She moved silently to the couch and sat down heavily next to Dusk.

No one said anything.

"So," Dusk finally said. "Are you okay?"

"SHUT UP ABOUT IT ALREADY!"

Everyone leaned away from her and she huffed. "Sorry," she muttered. "The Reflection did something stupid and now I'm mad."

"What'd it do?" Sanguine asked hesitantly.

She growled. "It set me up on a date with Gary Price."

They looked at her. "That's it?" Scapegrace said, trying to hold back a laugh. "A _date?_ _That's _what you're upset over?"

"Yes."

There was a moment of complete an utter silence then they burst into laughter.

"Really?" Sanguine managed. "Why would you be upset about _that?"_

She glared at them. "Because I don't _like _him, and now my bloody Reflection set me up on a bloody _date _with him and I can't back out because it's tonight and too late to cancel." She groaned and fell back into the cushions. "I hate this."

"Aw don't be so unhappy," Sanguine said. "It'll give you a chance to be normal for once and not have to fight monsters or criminals."

She looked at him. "You sound just like everyone else," she spat.

"What do you mean?" Thrasher asked.

"Everyone's always telling me I need to go out and act like a normal teenage girl when I don't _want _to. I thought you guys wouldn't be like that. That's why I let you stay at my house."

"Still," Dusk agreed. "You should go out and at least _try _to be a normal girl."

She scowled. "Fine. But I'm not going to like it." Valkyrie got up and stormed out of the room. Her bedroom door slammed shut.

Sanguine laughed. "Ah, young love. I remember my first date. She was cute. But of course I ended up killin' her since I had been hired to kill her but hey, it was still a date. And now I have one who kills _with _me." He grinned.

The others looked at him. Alice had gone back to ignoring them and playing with her blocks.

"Wow," Scapegrace finally said.

Dusk nodded. "That is very similar to my first date."

Sanguine frowned. "Really?"

"Yeah, I forgot to take my serum that first night and shed my skin. You can pretty much tell what happened to her."

They nodded in agreement.

"What 'bout you Scapegrace?" Sanguine said. "Did _you _have any girlfriends?"

Scapegrace stammered. "Um… well…." He paused. He couldn't let these guys walk all over him he needed to show he was just as much of a ladies man as they were. He held his head up higher. "As a matter of fact," he said proudly. "I have a girlfriend right now."

Dusk, who had been taking a drink of his Coke, suddenly spit it out. Sanguine's jaw dropped open in shock and Alice looked up. Thrasher's eyes widened. "You do Master? I didn't know that!"

"Yeah," Sanguine said wiping some of the Coke off his sunglasses. "Neither did us."

"What's her name?" Thrasher asked curiously.

"Scape- he quickly stopped himself from saying his own name. "Um… Scape…." Scapegrace paused, looking around the room for ideas. He saw a dictionary. "Scape…goat."

This earned a shocked silence.

Scapegrace smirked, happy that he had convinced them of it. "What about you Dusk?" he said.

"I have a girlfriend," Dusk responded evenly.

Everyone stared.

"You do?" Sanguine said.

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"A few months."

"Oh."

Suddenly the Texan got an idea. A grin broke out across his face and he quickly stood up. "Hey Dusk, that reminds me. There's something wrong with the car and I think we should go check it out."

Dusk looked at him, saw Sanguine jerk his head toward the door in a way that said 'I need to tell you something important that the idiots aren't allowed to hear.' So he stood and followed the Texan out of the house and over to the car.

The Vampire waited for him to speak.

"Let's set him and his 'girlfriend' up," Sanguine said. "We'll have our girlfriends over and have a big date night where we'll get to embarrass Scapegrace."

Dusk thought for a few moments. That did sound fun. "Okay, deal."

**Yes, I know it was short but the next chapter is going to be about the date night so that should be fun to write! REVIEW! :)**


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